Lord, save my children from me
Didn't wake up sad today. Kept wondering is this real? Couldn't find any shame. Began asking God, "What do I think about then? I really didn't know what to do with this."
There was a beautiful sunrise that drew me outside to walk and watch it. There was little water in the field glistening back at the sun.
Thought to put on a song that talked of the Father singing over me. The season I'm in right now it's being exposed all l I didn't get from earthly fathers, so this song, what my heavenly Father does give to me is part of changing the affects of those events.
On the surface I sing with the song, "I open up to you Father, I receive your love." Okay, but the longer I do it the more upset I get. I think things like, 'don't go there, (emotions) you're not supposed to give in to those feelings.' But my spirit then says. 'No, that's not right. I don't have to fake it to this Father, He is good and He's bringing this stuff up because I matter to Him, He cares what happened to me, all of it.' Then another thought from another song that has a truth too, 'My emotions say that somewhere I am believing a lie'.
So, I begin to let the emotions be, while holding onto truth by saying to myself, 'He is my holiness, He is my righteousness, He is my hiding place', and, 'No, I should not be doing something else right now.'
I am crying now, wanting to receive the truth and love that He is trying to pour over me - because I see others who need it too, and I don't have enough to give them, on my own.
Then I sit with Him, a hot drink in my hand that helps me sit quietly sometimes. Okay, here I am, what's the lie? I am asking Holy Spirit, who is Comforter, Guide, Stand-by. And it becomes clear, 'I will be kicked out, eventually'. I'll be the, 'your bags are out on the porch' that I saw in my youth. No longer wanted, accepted, intimately embraced, lived with, loved. And this time, it's that I think the Father God, would kick me out. And it's terribly uncomfortable.
And I cry that feeling out a bit, then ask for truth. Then the deep heart prayer that comes out is one I have practiced a lot over the years; "How are we going to renew my mind to the truth that You will never leave me, nor forsake me? 'Cuz I just don't have it here'."
More that comes to say to Him, "I know that I have to participate for mind renewal to happen, but I also now know that even the energy for that, I get from You and You are the only One who ultimately gets the job done. ~Thanks for today."
First result from this -- a path opened up in my thinking of how to love someone who's hurt me - my son. Of course I love him anyway and want to do anything good that I can for him; that's the real me. But yesterday I found myself holding back from giving something that I had been given, an information that is something he needs, even though he doesn't think he needs it; ever have one of those? Well, I had fully intended to pass this needed information onto him, but when it came down to it, I protected myself from further 'rejection' over this issue instead. It made sense to me in the moment, the thinking being, 'he doesn't even want this', and he agreed he doesn't even want it. But he needs this, even if he hasn't received it in the past. I saw now that he is rejecting an idea about what comes along with what I've been trying to give him, that he has based his decision on a lie, or misunderstanding. I hadn't even been able to see that part before. It just 'felt like', he was rejecting me. Well, with all the rejection in my past is it any wonder? Nope.
Very quickly after the prayer time this morning, especially the "How are we (Holy Spirit and I) going to believe God will never leave me.." It has felt so true, it had happened repeatedly during my growing up years, I'd see black bags, all of a persons belongings on the porch telling them they don't live here anymore and then they were out of our life forever. Realizations began to come into this issue with my son. I began to see a path to love my son, as I really do love him, and even the idea that has been getting in his way, that it is this idea only that he has been rejecting, not me. I could not see that before and it is amazing to me! I could love my son, but not see that he was not rejecting me. I am so thankful to God for opening up this blockade! It's been something we have left alone, and that's o.k. We've been learning to trust and love each other apart from this issue, but the issue still couldn't be talked about really, so no forward movement has been made in years.
My son, during his growing up process has 'rejected' plenty of things I have offered him and even told him to do, yes, it might hurt, but none of those were ever the hurts that shut me down emotionally. That came from the first hurts at a time in childhood when I had no path out of rejection. I have always had a path out of the hurts from my son, and he has always come back to me in relationship. The rejection has never been resolute, just temporary or simply an issue of choice, big issues at times to be sure, but just issues of choice. I have always wanted to give him the grace to be himself, but it would feel like 'rejection' when he did. It as been so confusing! To love someone unconditionally and then find in yourself reactions to them like they were bad, when I know in my heart they aren't. It has caused me uncountable hours of distress and prayers to get to the root of the issues.
I have never wanted to make my son the recipient of the fallout from my hurts. Yet yesterday, in my ignorance, I did. I am forever grateful that God's mercies are new every morning, I need a new dose daily. Because of today's intimacy with Holy Spirit, and Father's amazing love for me, I don't have to continue on that same path. There is grace to move away from the wrong decision and into the right one. A path to my sons heart, something I could not figure out on my own, what was going on there that was blocking us here!
~ Thanks Papa
~~I remember the prayer you prayed to Me for your children when they were very young, when you saw that you could hurt them out of your ignorance or out of your own unresolved pain. I heard your cry, "Father, please protect my children from me!" You mistakenly thought you were awful and hopeless as a parent, you were sure you would damage them; so you leaned on Me fully in this prayer. The truth remains you were then and you always will be redeemed completely. I have given you My righteousness, (Jesus') and by walking with Me you get to enjoy that redemption, like you have today. I'm still doing it! I've never left you and I never will.
Psalm 116
"I love the Lord, because He hears My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me. Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.
The cords of death encompassed me, and the terrors of Sheol (Hell) came upon me; I found distress and sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the Lord: "O, Lord, I cry to Thee, save my life!" Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For Thou has rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, My feet from stumbling."
~~~You've been doing this for along time God.
There was a beautiful sunrise that drew me outside to walk and watch it. There was little water in the field glistening back at the sun.
Thought to put on a song that talked of the Father singing over me. The season I'm in right now it's being exposed all l I didn't get from earthly fathers, so this song, what my heavenly Father does give to me is part of changing the affects of those events.
On the surface I sing with the song, "I open up to you Father, I receive your love." Okay, but the longer I do it the more upset I get. I think things like, 'don't go there, (emotions) you're not supposed to give in to those feelings.' But my spirit then says. 'No, that's not right. I don't have to fake it to this Father, He is good and He's bringing this stuff up because I matter to Him, He cares what happened to me, all of it.' Then another thought from another song that has a truth too, 'My emotions say that somewhere I am believing a lie'.
So, I begin to let the emotions be, while holding onto truth by saying to myself, 'He is my holiness, He is my righteousness, He is my hiding place', and, 'No, I should not be doing something else right now.'
I am crying now, wanting to receive the truth and love that He is trying to pour over me - because I see others who need it too, and I don't have enough to give them, on my own.
Then I sit with Him, a hot drink in my hand that helps me sit quietly sometimes. Okay, here I am, what's the lie? I am asking Holy Spirit, who is Comforter, Guide, Stand-by. And it becomes clear, 'I will be kicked out, eventually'. I'll be the, 'your bags are out on the porch' that I saw in my youth. No longer wanted, accepted, intimately embraced, lived with, loved. And this time, it's that I think the Father God, would kick me out. And it's terribly uncomfortable.
And I cry that feeling out a bit, then ask for truth. Then the deep heart prayer that comes out is one I have practiced a lot over the years; "How are we going to renew my mind to the truth that You will never leave me, nor forsake me? 'Cuz I just don't have it here'."
More that comes to say to Him, "I know that I have to participate for mind renewal to happen, but I also now know that even the energy for that, I get from You and You are the only One who ultimately gets the job done. ~Thanks for today."
First result from this -- a path opened up in my thinking of how to love someone who's hurt me - my son. Of course I love him anyway and want to do anything good that I can for him; that's the real me. But yesterday I found myself holding back from giving something that I had been given, an information that is something he needs, even though he doesn't think he needs it; ever have one of those? Well, I had fully intended to pass this needed information onto him, but when it came down to it, I protected myself from further 'rejection' over this issue instead. It made sense to me in the moment, the thinking being, 'he doesn't even want this', and he agreed he doesn't even want it. But he needs this, even if he hasn't received it in the past. I saw now that he is rejecting an idea about what comes along with what I've been trying to give him, that he has based his decision on a lie, or misunderstanding. I hadn't even been able to see that part before. It just 'felt like', he was rejecting me. Well, with all the rejection in my past is it any wonder? Nope.
Very quickly after the prayer time this morning, especially the "How are we (Holy Spirit and I) going to believe God will never leave me.." It has felt so true, it had happened repeatedly during my growing up years, I'd see black bags, all of a persons belongings on the porch telling them they don't live here anymore and then they were out of our life forever. Realizations began to come into this issue with my son. I began to see a path to love my son, as I really do love him, and even the idea that has been getting in his way, that it is this idea only that he has been rejecting, not me. I could not see that before and it is amazing to me! I could love my son, but not see that he was not rejecting me. I am so thankful to God for opening up this blockade! It's been something we have left alone, and that's o.k. We've been learning to trust and love each other apart from this issue, but the issue still couldn't be talked about really, so no forward movement has been made in years.
My son, during his growing up process has 'rejected' plenty of things I have offered him and even told him to do, yes, it might hurt, but none of those were ever the hurts that shut me down emotionally. That came from the first hurts at a time in childhood when I had no path out of rejection. I have always had a path out of the hurts from my son, and he has always come back to me in relationship. The rejection has never been resolute, just temporary or simply an issue of choice, big issues at times to be sure, but just issues of choice. I have always wanted to give him the grace to be himself, but it would feel like 'rejection' when he did. It as been so confusing! To love someone unconditionally and then find in yourself reactions to them like they were bad, when I know in my heart they aren't. It has caused me uncountable hours of distress and prayers to get to the root of the issues.
I have never wanted to make my son the recipient of the fallout from my hurts. Yet yesterday, in my ignorance, I did. I am forever grateful that God's mercies are new every morning, I need a new dose daily. Because of today's intimacy with Holy Spirit, and Father's amazing love for me, I don't have to continue on that same path. There is grace to move away from the wrong decision and into the right one. A path to my sons heart, something I could not figure out on my own, what was going on there that was blocking us here!
~ Thanks Papa
~~I remember the prayer you prayed to Me for your children when they were very young, when you saw that you could hurt them out of your ignorance or out of your own unresolved pain. I heard your cry, "Father, please protect my children from me!" You mistakenly thought you were awful and hopeless as a parent, you were sure you would damage them; so you leaned on Me fully in this prayer. The truth remains you were then and you always will be redeemed completely. I have given you My righteousness, (Jesus') and by walking with Me you get to enjoy that redemption, like you have today. I'm still doing it! I've never left you and I never will.
Psalm 116
"I love the Lord, because He hears My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me. Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.
The cords of death encompassed me, and the terrors of Sheol (Hell) came upon me; I found distress and sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the Lord: "O, Lord, I cry to Thee, save my life!" Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For Thou has rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, My feet from stumbling."
~~~You've been doing this for along time God.
Wow...very very beautiful !!!!!!!
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