Sometimes it's not so easy
Some months after this leaving so many things in His lap time, some circumstances changed in my life and I hit a wall. I've heard people say that in the counseling office, but I didn't quite know what they meant, now I do. It exposed some grieving that I had never done. It seems so much easier and better to leave grief behind than to feel it. But God knows better. I was given the opportunity to then deal with the pain that had been exposed, I could have said no, I even tried sometimes.
It's very probable that this was at the root of those other beliefs that needed changing. I wish I could explain everything that this looks like, but I could never write it all down. And also, because each one of us will process things differently. Each of our journeys are our own, and He is the path to peace and an abundant life. John 10:10 says, The thief comes to steal kill and destroy, but He came (Jesus), that we might have life and that more abundantly." He is with you right where you are, He knows you intimately and never sees anything He does not like! Jesus took care of all of that on the cross. Therefore, He is always ready to help in every need. He works best, I have found, at being our closest friend through all we go through, He's great at carrying burdens we cannot carry and infusing us with whatever we need deep in our innermost being. We are truly Never alone.
The old grief was in the way, a block to seeing God for Who He is, someone who will never hurt me. Whether we want this or not, He does it, because it is for our good that these blocks get removed. He made a change, when Jesus died, He put Himself in our hearts, He gave us new hearts. 2 Corinthians 5:17 we are not who we once were. That person I was who was hurt back in my history is long gone, the person who used their free will against me didn't get to say the last word. God is bringing it up to my mind, what someone did using their freewill against me, in order to Redeem me from the effects of that event. He is not only our Savior He is our Redeemer. This is taking time though, ugh too much time in my mind; but He is infinitely more interested in my being truly free than I am. And that is found in being with Him, and these things were blocking that.
Do you know what I am getting from this? I am getting free from long standing bondage that keep me hiding from God, the only One who can give me what I really need to life. I am getting old prayers answered, prayers I had forgotten--He didn't. Too, my whole life He is going to be bringing up places I need freedom, but this one, this one has been big. I had no idea how deep these hurts He's been exposing were and how much I was being motivated from them. None, no idea. It is truly a gift that during this time He is allowing me to grieve old things in my past that hurt me very deeply.
They were causing me to see God as not wanting to help me, in one area only, but it is a big area! It was causing me to continually struggle with trying to live as if I had only myself to rely on, not God or Jesus who actually did everything for me. It's one thing to hear the truth, but another to walk it out. I wanted to walk it out.
I have had to learn to be very intentional in this, I cannot just let myself lay on the couch all day moaning and groaning. That does not help. The method suggested by my counselors was to sit down with God and tell Him I trust Him, to thank Him that I am safe with Him. Interestingly, to me, I found very similar wording in the message version of the Bible in the beginning of Psalm 91, and the whole Psalm is wonderful for reminding that HE is really really safe. So, I address him, thank Him that I am safe with Him and then ask Him to dig deep. Then I write the word LOSS on the top of a sheet of paper and list whatever comes up. The way this fleshed out for me began this way but then ebbed and flowed into just saying it whenever I remembered and found myself with some time alone. It once even happened in the car. Needless to say the Losses would come up while I was busy doing something as often as in a set aside prayer time. I use prayer times often to ask to hear Him, some thoughts of His instead of my own incessant yapping. I do that often enough all day long!
So, as things would come up I would write a big LOSS in my notebook and list what came up under that. Some of the things I saw was Loss of safety, feeling safe. Loss of trusting people. Loss of childhood, didn't get to be carefree after this event. It's all amazingly healthy and helpful. I know we talk about the things that hurt us over and over through our lives, and sometimes it's not to just keep rehearsing it. It's because we need to process it, to get it out and make some sense of it. This is that process. This is finishing it, this is getting to heard like we've never been heard before. I can't tell you how many times I have said my events to people and then been the listener for others sharing their hurtful events and as much as that is a necessary part of the process, it is not the end of the process. This, grieving, letting God unearth what has been buried as to what you yourself lost because of someone else using their freewill against you. God wants to redeem from you what the locusts have stolen (verse) and this is one of those ways. You cannot properly forgive until this step is completed either. But it's a hurtful step. But you are never ever alone anymore.
"If you have a view of God as being alone and 'over there', you will have angst against that kind of a God", says Paul Young author of The Shack. He goes on to explain, "Because we were made for relationship, and we have a God who is in relationship. Jesus, Father and Holy Spirit have ALWAYS been together, they are never alone." That's what we are hungering for, this never ending constant relationship. One of my favorite verses has in it that what I am waiting for God for is, 'constant unbroken companionship'. And our God has that, and gives it too. No healing comes apart from that relationship. Relationships with people too. There are good people out there! I used to not believe it either, but it's true, keep believing God to point you in the direction to them and keep trying it. People will never be your life givers though, they are just the aroma of Him. He's the life you are looking for and He loves giving it.
It's very probable that this was at the root of those other beliefs that needed changing. I wish I could explain everything that this looks like, but I could never write it all down. And also, because each one of us will process things differently. Each of our journeys are our own, and He is the path to peace and an abundant life. John 10:10 says, The thief comes to steal kill and destroy, but He came (Jesus), that we might have life and that more abundantly." He is with you right where you are, He knows you intimately and never sees anything He does not like! Jesus took care of all of that on the cross. Therefore, He is always ready to help in every need. He works best, I have found, at being our closest friend through all we go through, He's great at carrying burdens we cannot carry and infusing us with whatever we need deep in our innermost being. We are truly Never alone.
The old grief was in the way, a block to seeing God for Who He is, someone who will never hurt me. Whether we want this or not, He does it, because it is for our good that these blocks get removed. He made a change, when Jesus died, He put Himself in our hearts, He gave us new hearts. 2 Corinthians 5:17 we are not who we once were. That person I was who was hurt back in my history is long gone, the person who used their free will against me didn't get to say the last word. God is bringing it up to my mind, what someone did using their freewill against me, in order to Redeem me from the effects of that event. He is not only our Savior He is our Redeemer. This is taking time though, ugh too much time in my mind; but He is infinitely more interested in my being truly free than I am. And that is found in being with Him, and these things were blocking that.
Do you know what I am getting from this? I am getting free from long standing bondage that keep me hiding from God, the only One who can give me what I really need to life. I am getting old prayers answered, prayers I had forgotten--He didn't. Too, my whole life He is going to be bringing up places I need freedom, but this one, this one has been big. I had no idea how deep these hurts He's been exposing were and how much I was being motivated from them. None, no idea. It is truly a gift that during this time He is allowing me to grieve old things in my past that hurt me very deeply.
They were causing me to see God as not wanting to help me, in one area only, but it is a big area! It was causing me to continually struggle with trying to live as if I had only myself to rely on, not God or Jesus who actually did everything for me. It's one thing to hear the truth, but another to walk it out. I wanted to walk it out.
I have had to learn to be very intentional in this, I cannot just let myself lay on the couch all day moaning and groaning. That does not help. The method suggested by my counselors was to sit down with God and tell Him I trust Him, to thank Him that I am safe with Him. Interestingly, to me, I found very similar wording in the message version of the Bible in the beginning of Psalm 91, and the whole Psalm is wonderful for reminding that HE is really really safe. So, I address him, thank Him that I am safe with Him and then ask Him to dig deep. Then I write the word LOSS on the top of a sheet of paper and list whatever comes up. The way this fleshed out for me began this way but then ebbed and flowed into just saying it whenever I remembered and found myself with some time alone. It once even happened in the car. Needless to say the Losses would come up while I was busy doing something as often as in a set aside prayer time. I use prayer times often to ask to hear Him, some thoughts of His instead of my own incessant yapping. I do that often enough all day long!
So, as things would come up I would write a big LOSS in my notebook and list what came up under that. Some of the things I saw was Loss of safety, feeling safe. Loss of trusting people. Loss of childhood, didn't get to be carefree after this event. It's all amazingly healthy and helpful. I know we talk about the things that hurt us over and over through our lives, and sometimes it's not to just keep rehearsing it. It's because we need to process it, to get it out and make some sense of it. This is that process. This is finishing it, this is getting to heard like we've never been heard before. I can't tell you how many times I have said my events to people and then been the listener for others sharing their hurtful events and as much as that is a necessary part of the process, it is not the end of the process. This, grieving, letting God unearth what has been buried as to what you yourself lost because of someone else using their freewill against you. God wants to redeem from you what the locusts have stolen (verse) and this is one of those ways. You cannot properly forgive until this step is completed either. But it's a hurtful step. But you are never ever alone anymore.
"If you have a view of God as being alone and 'over there', you will have angst against that kind of a God", says Paul Young author of The Shack. He goes on to explain, "Because we were made for relationship, and we have a God who is in relationship. Jesus, Father and Holy Spirit have ALWAYS been together, they are never alone." That's what we are hungering for, this never ending constant relationship. One of my favorite verses has in it that what I am waiting for God for is, 'constant unbroken companionship'. And our God has that, and gives it too. No healing comes apart from that relationship. Relationships with people too. There are good people out there! I used to not believe it either, but it's true, keep believing God to point you in the direction to them and keep trying it. People will never be your life givers though, they are just the aroma of Him. He's the life you are looking for and He loves giving it.
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