Fear

Well, had to "meet Jesus" again. I was there this morning, so it's not like it's been too long or anything like that. Just fear slithered in and kept growing bigger, stronger. Wow, what a liar and what a stealer; lost peace is lost life. What a believable though unwelcome guest. So much a lie, feeling so true. True enough the body starts to react to it. It believes it!
I haven't faced that level of fear in awhile. I am thankful it was exposed. It came from very real places that I have been, places I didn't see how God existed in my past in quite the light I now do, but I found him there today as I faced it. Uh, let me rephrase that, as I fell on my face before my maker whimpering for whatever was needed. Yeah, that's more like what it looked like.
I am thankful because now I see Him in this thing that is terrify me, He is a little more "real" in my thinking now. Now I'm perfectly good, but I have no idea how many times we will have to revisit this before it's completely done. And I do not care. I believe what I read that said Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit do not care how many times we have to go around a certain mountain. What if they know it will be exactly 47 times? Do we think they are disappointed when we've gone around the first time? No way, they are excited, only 46 more to go!* I have heard that concrete will break once it has been hit 50 times; until that 50th time you see exactly zero evidence all your hitting is making any impact whatsoever. I rarely will try something that many times, on my own, without seeing some benefit. But I know the lies I believe are just like that concrete. And I will not be breaking them on my own, so when circumstances like today come up and something gets broken all I can say is Thank you and I'll have more please. Whatever makes me able to connect with God's love more well, that's something being used by perfect love for my good.
*from The Shack by Paul Young

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