Journey Out of Hiding

  You Matter A dream Rather a nightmare The dream set in the times of castles Peasants, small houses with thatched roofs and Open air markets  I am in tattered clothing One layer, a sackcloth dress Unkempt hair long that the face can hide under The face is downcast intentionally trying  Not to be noticed If I looked as plain and undesirable as possible If I do not make eye contact  If I do not speak Maybe… I will be safe This is what hiding looks like Then I see him of whom I seem to have escaped Waltz in through the city gate Tall, cloaked beings at his sides  his stride is proud Arrogant his eyes searching… for his possession he doesn’t like it when one gets away he is searching for his captive his possession The one he used as he pleased And he is pleased simply to torture My eyes, while seeming to be looking  At the market stalls As if I could purchase the goods there Were much more watching what was around me My defense, To see him Before he could see ...

I realized today that I didn't  have one. Now, being  forced, as it were to find  mine. I find ouch! I don't always like it. It makes  or allows people to think of  me as a THAT... That  thing, that  person, that  isn't a giver or kind or loving. but No. is also loving. When I learn to say No properly, lovingly, within my own  limits. I find also  my  Yes. Giving can  happen out of a  pure heart. Vs. obligation,  that hides truth and  does not know  how  to  love.  If your No does not matter your Yes never will. ~Paul Young

 I am not done Not "there yet" But Not where I was either. When I began  there were horrendous days. PTSD days... when all that I had stuffed and not allowed myself to feel not allowed to have it's voice, came tumbling out all about me.   Like a dark and terrible storm blinding my view to the beautiful children, family, existence, that was  there as well. And those days too Joy? or maybe  just  Love, quietly made  her appearance. It could seem so loud there in the dark. In complete blackness a lit match changes  everything.   Those days, there was  also salvation. These could feel like hell, but the saving came as well. showed up, you might say.  So, though I have felt  at  a  loss...  because the Journey still is in process. I rejoice  Finding the  Journey is the  Point. 

So, I have been doing this journey thing for awhile now. and I am not done. and that is finally, well, today at least, okay. Not only okay, it  is  Joy. Because Joy shows up unannounced as the  Journey  of stress and hell and just struggle continues. Beautiful Joy, will  never stop  showing up, knocking  at your door  too. 

 The Journey is  the reward. The Journey is making it one day at a time one  obstacle at  a  time. One JOY at a time in the mist.

 I thought it was a destination,  it isn't.  I had unknowingly expected there would just be this day ,  that I wouldn't be afraid anymore...  just to be seen. Well, there has been a day... and then another and  another. All betwixt a lot of days  that I still  was.