Are You Worth It?

 I experienced someone beloved to me unable to answer the question, “Are you worth it?” They could not answer, like no words. I asked, hesitantly, feeling the fragility of the moment and trying to tread as gingerly as possible, realizing that saying nothing is always an option as well, still I felt encouraged to blow softly on this ‘barely burning wick’. The question that came, “Do you think I think you are worth it?” A quick response, relaxing even, “Oh yeah” (I was glad of that I can tell you!) Another question about their believing it, still no response. This time, there was no other response, but to hold it with them.

The next day I was feeling something that did not seem to fit with other desires of mine and instead of trying to push my way through, I sat and allowed space for those feelings to communicate to me in words. After a little bit I heard the very same thing, here there was a part of myself communicating that I didn’t believe I was worth it either. Not worth doing something that I desire, that comes naturally to me, that even brings me joy and may, just may, encourage others.

Curiosity, I love curiosity, I hear curiosity is from the very heart of us that is very good. Curiosity had room to ask and it found out that this part was very protective of me, that was/is it’s job. Protect at all cost. Curiosity, gently asked, at the cost of us living what brings us joy too?

Fear of death, oh this fear of death. Don’t dismiss it so easily, until you feel it’s powerful driving force… within you too.

It showed this fear to me, tentatively at first because it has been shut down so often by the rest of me is so quick to belittle such a ‘base fear’.

Just be curious… maybe allowed it to express what it felt this day? And I felt it, and had to bend my knee to it’s power, fear of death. I had to acknowledge that it was real, and that I too was in subjection to it; not just my imagination. “If I don’t I will die.” Can and does at times, feel so true. I believe it is real, but not always true.

Will I die?

It’s not always wise to try to reason with feelings, or parts that have the job/ burden of protecting us from them, reason just does not seem to work. Curiosity, understanding, leading as a tender sweet beloved… maybe. Basically, they need to be able to trust us again. I remembered hearing, some protective parts of us have seen how we mishandled other things in life and are not as easy to trust us now.

Curiosity again, acceptance of the you think I will die… led to, o my gosh, memories of … and because of those, of course you think I will die! And those are probably the times these protective parts came to carry this burden of protecting.

Back to this interaction, I felt it now, and it did not seem so crazy anymore. So, what to do now. This memory showed up like outa thin air; it was over 30 years ago, when I was first starting to face my internal conflicts, causes etc.

I was in a room with other ladies and we were not in formal lined up in chairs or even seated in a circle. We were separated off in twos, threes, fours. I was with two people, who had gracefully taken the stance to stand beside me as I face my ‘demons’; it was my turn. We had pillows with fists to beat etc. but this time I was quiet, the fear was so deep, and REAL. It powered over me from the depths. With the other ladies just sitting beside me, maybe guiding a little, I can’t tell now, I saw myself facing the deepest blackness I have ever seen and it held my greatest fear. No words were forthcoming to express this; I was in this all alone. In my mind, I said something like, Jesus if you do not hold my hand, I cannot face this.

I felt my hand held, so I kept on toward the dark.

In the pit of the dark was this record player, stuck on a record in a rut. It was playing the same old tune over and over and… yes, over infinitely to my soul.

I felt an awakening, a release from bondage! It was a record playing… something like “Be afraid, be verrrrrry afraid.” and so, it coming from the inside of me, I dutifully was, verrrrry afraid.

And now I saw, it was a lie.

This was a pivotal momentous moment in my life, a path to freedom from fear.

And you know what is amazing?

This part, today, thirty plus years later, needed this revelation again. I don’t know if you know, like it didn’t know it happened, but it really needed it, here in this moment.

And beloved, it was given … because that is how love works.