part three: Something in me knows only You can heal me...

Part three: Something in me knows only You can heal me

Then it was about ‘What did this make me do?”-- another aspect of forgiveness:
    It came out of my mouth tonight when I first felt the pain, “Why would I trust anyone, if this is what they can do to me?”  It had come up before when realizing experiencing Your love for me being like an ocean. It became clear that I hide myself from people, to try to protect from more hurts like this one.
    I just sat with this awhile, I am unwilling to drop this guard.  In the Cure, I think, it says, “At any point, Your grace and love for us is such that You will let us leave these encounters at any point, even if there is unfinished work to do.”  You do not push. I didn’t relate as to why I was thinking about that just then. But I had a choice to make, did I want to give up this self-protection? And I was pondering it.
    Finally, I said, “You do it.”  
Another mind renewing experience came to be remembered where Your words to me instantaneously healed me/ changed my mind to a new way of thinking that I never went back on.  All my efforts to change this one have made me tired, defeated, discouraged.  So I said to You, “You do it, I’m done trying to change myself.”  And I felt completely at peace and walked out of my time with You to celebrate my healing that had come and what was not done yet.
While I was gone, this came to mind, an experience shared by a mentor years ago. She  told me about one of her times of seeing a lie that was controlling her. She’d been amazed that she had lived out of that lie all of her life. We are talking here of a person whom good fruit comes out of on a daily basis. The point being here that there are lies that beset us all, and we do not know what they are until the Holy Spirit exposes them.  And He does it for our benefit, i.e, for our freedom.  So, when she saw the lie she was standing in her kitchen, she admitted the lie she had been believing to God. Then told Him something to the effect that now it was His problem to change her mind to the truth… and went about her business.  I was flabbergasted as she shared this with me. Up until that point I had always stayed and pray through it, waiting until it is ‘done’ inside of my thinking… before I even go back to doing life!  And doing it that way, I have also endured countless hours of sitting in my painful emotions, letting them dictate what I do, instead of trusting God, because he is the Real truth and letting Him conquer my beliefs and bring me to truth.  He does it anyway,  just way I’m trying to hammer it out myself, or by trusting Him.  She knew something I did not back then, that my mind renewal is not my responsibility, but a job He is responsible for.
So, this time I got the idea to leave in His lap and go back to my life, so I did.

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