Part two: Something in me knows only You can heal me...

It’s still happening, so….

... The memory came up tonight is back, it seems brought up by Holy Spirit. It's of my Dad, when he and my Mom divorced I was very young.  What I believe is that it was because of me.  Tonight, I feel the bitterness toward my step-sister who got to grow up with my Dad. I have not felt this before, well, I have felt uncomfortable towards her, but not known where in the world it could be coming from. Each time she and I have chanced to speak over the years she has been extremely kind to me. Way more than I expected. For some unknown reason each time it has surprised me. I have thuoght like, she shouldn't even recognize me or something crazy like that. Not that I wanted to react that way, I would have loved to be more open with someone so accepting of me.  On my side there has been a total hiding, I couldn't think of anything to say to her, wasn't sure I recognized her; and did not expect at all that she would want to talk to me. It's probably stemmed from the jealousy I just saw. Ugh! So annoying to find I've been played by thoughts in my own head that have ruled over me. So thankful God roots this stuff out so I can be free from reacting like I do not want to.  So I confess this to You (Holy Spirit), and You do something, it’s just gone. Just gone! Weird huh? That’s how You do it sometimes though.

Then it’s directed at my Dad, the bitter feeling.  The thought kind of went, ‘what about forgiving him?' That one must have come from You (Holy Spirit).  My response, 'After all, it was not her fault that happened.'  Then it moves up the memory timeline, to other occurances with him. Other times that had reinforced the same feeling causing the bitterness. I am asking here for God to show me the lie.  We have identified the emotion, bitterness, that is the messenger that I believed something... Now I am allowing Holy to expose it more to identify what the lie that is causing the bitterness is. The conclusion I found out was that I believed that I was “not wanted”.  And this time the feeling was overwhelming coming from the phrase, I am not wanted.  

But the image of me being in the ocean came back and then that I am in something that has enough capacity to hold all of these hurts and the overwhelmed leaves almost as quickly as it began -- this is an amazing relief, it does not always happen so fast.  

I’ve sat in feelings like this early on in letting You heal my emotions, which come to find out is actually the mind renewal process talked about in Romans 12:2. Negative emotions often stem from memories. They can come from painful life events, they come anywhere and everywhere actually. They come from authorities and just the way we enterpret life, often before we are old enough to comprehend the truth or have enough knowledge built up to resist the lie. They always come from a lie that feels true, and is usually seemingly proved by circumstances over and over again. 

Like this one I am not wanted.  Sometimes the feeling has been so strong it has felt as if I was going to explode.  That was not the way tonight. When I finally see the lie/belief, I then ask You what You say is true about the thoughts. You always came through, but not always like today, ‘eventually’ is as normal as quickly. It's Your timing, not mine isn't it?  I get to trust You with that, because You are a failthful Father.  

Then the memory coming back of my Dad, that seemed to be the starting place of this lie and this time seeing it just worked to say, “I forgive him now.”  (Forgiveness is letting someone off your hook. I finally let You lead me into doing that; and it worked)

Forgiven... just that easy; just because it flowed and finally nothing else needed to be done.  Every time is not this ‘easy’. Maybe because we’ve covered some of this ground before?  and maybe we'll need to do more later. But today was good. Thank you.