Antsy, Edgy

What to do at this time of day, when I usually do…, 

not the healthiest behavior; 

one I'd like to grow away from. 


This time, I asked for help.


First a pause, nothing to do yet. 

That's okay.

 

Then a whisper, 

like one I haven't heard in a long time.


It was something like, 

"I could tell you, what I think about you."


I heard somewhere that what we long for is fame, 

to be famous to our Father, 

our Godde 

To hear our Father say He is proud of us, 

Just for being

We long to be home and we rarely feel that we are. 


So I sat down, a cat coming to sit in my lap,

arose such a longing within me. 

a cat's simple attention 

stirred in me a hunger for something so much more. 

I just stroked the soft fur... then I heard it... a compliment. 


Have you ever heard the Holy Spirit's conviction...

of your goodness? 


I listened to the feeling that began to stir

From the inside of me


I began to weep saying,

Okay, I know myself here, I'll start making stuff up! 

And I don't want to because it won't meet my true need.


So, somehow, I had a thought that did not come from me. 


It was something like, 

"I've seen you lately, 

I've been watching all this long, very hard year.

And you know what? 

I saw you not run away this time, 

not complaining, 

I don't mean not acknowledging the faults and the hardness and the wrongs, 

yes, do see those, acknowledge them

and continue to bring them

to me

But you haven't given up, 

you aren't running away this time. 

There is a stand in you that didn't used to be there, 

A just stand

An enduring hard things well

while holding too that goodness

also exists, always."


By this time a pile of tears was running down my face... 

How life giving it is being seen!  


Then an image formed in my imagination 

of a good Father wrapping me up in a bear hug…

Ah, the sobbing then!


The image faded just as quickly as it came

because I run when love gets too intimate 


This time though, I turned my attention back,

and the words were still there, 

so I got to feel 

what it is like being seen again, 

by Father


Holding onto it a little longer

To being complimented by the one who is always here with me. 


Thank you, Daddy God, Holy Spirit and Jesus 

for being just what I was really looking for at this moment.


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