Enough

Is it real?

After I heard

you are like a master craftsman

in a gentle grandfather

submitting to your young 

who beg to be let weave with you

just work with you.

Jus to be with you


Is it true

that you don't say No,

that You don't protect the work

at the sake of the child, for the sake of the relationship

like I have so many times


That you allow the mistakes

That you aren't afraid of them?

Is this real?


It is an honest question


Do you weave all of our mistakes

into a beautiful masterpiece? 


An exposure:

We've had so many lies

what could I have I been without them?

What if

I 

wasn't

the mistake

all along.


What if I hadn't been handed down a belief

from so many sides

that I wasn't enough for this or that

Until 

I didn't even try anymore


I ran from it, 

I hid,

I numbed, again.

But you returned

and invited me to open up again

to when though

I'd screwed up, again


Another mistaken thread

a wrong color,

a wrong pattern followed


When I faced it

Oh! It became obvious why

The pain held such heaviness, darkness,

depth within

I can't handle it 

much too big to handle

alone.

When it got triggered, I forgot, 

again,

for a little

Never alone.


Back to where I left it

What if I missed it...

what if I missed

becoming the real me


I did, I am sure of it

this feeling says


You don't answer right away


there is more for me to realize

there is a memory

here,

a memory

there,

that is weaved into this thought

this 

lie.


This powerful

feeling

that maybe

I was just offered

reasons that fit


I want also to know

Will it be too devastating to hope?

That you are this good

I do not want that devastation 

again


You let me ask

you nudge the covers,

lets get to the deep stuff


Oh the pain screams


but I get to choose


What could I have become

if I had known then

what I know now?


Would I have been different?

a longing comes to the surface

too huge to handle 

too long has it been buried

Yet,

the only way out is through


What if all I

should have been

All that says I still am not


I Should

comes in so many ways

so many voices

so many accusations


We go through a few


Then I begin to think things I wouldn't

things this voice does not say

Do I trust them?


I risk listening first


IF I didn't, would I have

....?

Would I have them


My conclusion,

too good to miss

now

many years in

to this relationship

this child

this life

that happened 

among the mess

along the way

to ..? somewhere else?

No.

to  here

to now.


A beautiful 

tapestry

becoming a master piece


A life lived with others

that I didn't plan

that I didn't see coming


While other voices told me 

other things were way more

valuable. 

No.

We are the most valuable of all


You thought so

So you came

and showed us so. 


You embody

what we are

all of it


Then you say,

you are ENOUGH


and I am finally able to 

listen


And you keep revealing it

over and over

as many 

threads 

as it takes


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is the Hiding?

The hiding is hiding my true self and trying to paint on the facade a few feet in front of me of what I think you, and God, want to see.  In the world it is worldliness, in the church it is 'good works'.  But the problem is that no matter how well I do all of that, the real me never gets loved and the real me gets very, very tired, and I become a sucker for anything in this world that looks like unconditional love, which will lead me into something that also has to be hidden, like an addiction.  I cannot show the real me, that is too vulnerable, that has been hurt too many times and I'm just not going to let that happen again, if I at all can. So I hide, I fake it, and for me, I go off and cry alone.  Because I am so very alone, even amidst all kinds of approval.  Because the approval isn't for me, it's for my actions, my 'performance' if you will. At least that is what I think.  I think my true self is a mess, but what I have not been aware of most of my C...
Read more

Lord, save my children from me

Didn't wake up sad today.  Kept wondering is this real?  Couldn't find any shame. Began asking God, "What do I think about then?  I really didn't know what to do with this." There was a beautiful sunrise that drew me outside to walk and watch it. There was little water in the field glistening back at the sun. Thought to put on a song that talked of the Father singing over me. The season I'm in right now it's being exposed all l I didn't get from earthly fathers, so this song, what my heavenly Father does give to me is part of changing the affects of those events.  On the surface I sing with the song, "I open up to you Father, I receive your love."  Okay, but the longer I do it the more upset I get.  I think things like, 'don't go there, (emotions) you're not supposed to give in to those feelings.' But my spirit then says. 'No, that's not right. I don't have to fake it to this Father, He is good and He's...
Read more

Something in me knows You’re the only one who can heal me

I was drawn to spend time with You instead of returning a phone call or spending time just watching tv with the  family. Even though I’d spent most of the Sunday cooking snacks then cleaning up after myself, and felt a little bad for doing so.  But when I got there, I thought I’d be doing one thing but didn’t “feel like it” once I’d gotten there.  I ‘felt like’ just lighting a candle, turning off all the lights and sitting there. My candle illuminated a picture of the ocean with the sun casting golden light on the whole landscape. I was drawn to just look at it, I settled back in my chair and just looked, soaking up the view.  The next thing I know I am crying because this thought just crossed my mind, that "HE looks at me like that", and enjoys looking at me, like I’m enjoying looking at the beautiful scenery.  I just can’t resist it, it erodes instantly any hardness I’ve gotten in the week. In my mind I begin to try to explain what it is like as if I am exp...
Read more