The dirty cloth

I asked you this morning where we would meet today Jesus

I didn't know you would wait until the day was almost done

No matter, you were with me all along anyway

But feeling you, seeing you face to face, that is worth the wait.

And You came  

I was dealing with a today issue, a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach

I was finally at the point of crying it out to you...

"This, this!", I was gesturing, 

"this is what I want to give to you, what I do not want anymore."  

And I was done, over it

the wanting to know what it is or what is causing it 

Who cares, be gone!  

If, if I just let go. But I need help.

You      do      not      mind.

And I was reminded of a time, a long time ago 

another meeting face to face.


You had awakened me to something something precious to me. 

I noticed something in my hands, or was it

behind my back

I kept it very protected, hidden, even from myself

I looked at it for the first time

it was beautiful, sphere like 

all deep multi colored blues with swirls

almost alive on it's surface. 

You never asked for it

I just came to understand, inside

that I could give it to you, if I chose.

Why wasn't asked, or answered


Eventually I did

Who knows what I was aching or agonizing over that day

but the healing or the freedom

had to do with this little 

precious to me 

thing. 

Relinquishing it, You held it awhile

there was nothing negative in your face

you too, were beholding it

Acknowledging it's deep value for me

Then an other step, another ask 

that was not an ask at all

Nothing, nothing is wanted by you, that is not 

willingly given

I just seemed to know

a sense, a intuition

who knows

you do


I seemed to feel your inquiry, gently, but definitely

You let me know,

in your unspoken way

That you intended to break it.

 

Ah!  The surprised agony

I hadn't known of this thing not an hour before 

and yet

I was very attached to it

and I did not yet know why


"May I?" 

"May I?"

It was deeply important

or it would never have been sought

I know you care, but whew, what a blow.


Eventually I relented

Trusting something, is surely wasn't knowledge

You were patient and never hurried

You have all the time in the world, even for me

 

I watched while it was opened in your hands, 

Nothing at all was lost

It was irreparable, I knew. 

Inside though

the inside was completely the opposite of the beautiful 

and alive looking outside

Inside was just strips and pieces of a tattered cloth

it could not be called clothing

it wouldn't cover anything

It was also dusty and stained

it was fragile and so had holes throughout

it had been worn to just strips of cloth

 

To say I was surprised would be an understatement

It hurt, it was dreadfully painful

But I'd had no idea

this thing I had clung to so tightly

was just 

rubbish


The revelation was actually 

extremely gentle

Wouldn't love show us something 

that was a lie?

Desire to 

disentangle us

from something 

far more damaging

then it looks?


So today I was reminded

and I don't even know why yet.


Maybe today's pain in my gut 

is another layer of the clothe coming out of my hands. 


It still feels like you are loving me. 


Thanks for meeting me in ways

I cannot expect

    

The world around me has been going crazy

and I am in grief over it

almost constantly

but it also is unearthing this

the unnatural thing 

that maybe I have been holding onto

Thank you for using the chaos coming at me

for my freedom

As of course, you are also using our own darkness

you being, in the midst of it all 

and around it all 

healing us all, 

eventually 

each in our own time. 



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