Journey Out of Hiding

 I experienced someone beloved to me unable to answer the question, “Are you worth it?” They could not answer, like no words. I asked, hesitantly, feeling the fragility of the moment and trying to tread as gingerly as possible, realizing that saying nothing is always an option as well, still I felt encouraged to blow softly on this ‘barely burning wick’. The question that came, “Do you think I think you are worth it?” A quick response, relaxing even, “Oh yeah” (I was glad of that I can tell you!) Another question about their believing it, still no response. This time, there was no other response, but to hold it with them. The next day I was feeling something that did not seem to fit with other desires of mine and instead of trying to push my way through, I sat and allowed space for those feelings to communicate to me in words. After a little bit I heard the very same thing, here there was a part of myself communicating that I didn’t believe I was worth it either. Not worth doing...

 A  concern that I want to put down That I am anything less than to another human being to another human doing, when comparing my doing it is  never enough. Here Jesus, I don't want it anymore. What does it look like? inky black dripping from my hands, my face, a wringing in my heart. Your face reflects the weight of this thing knowing the toll it has taken on me today, as you take it. And as you give me back clean, clean hands, clean face, you smile. Gently, like  I am so  precious to you Even though, even though. Even though, everything every failure every lost hope every waylaid dream, every unfulfilled fake potential. Oh Lord how, when? How long until we are  DONE with this part of the journey? I smile, until there is a new part equally puzzling. Thanks for clean hands tonight. A face, that, though I am transparent about the journey, still others see Light, Love, Laughter... YOU More Holy, More invitation to me I want to believe for all you want to...

  I saw myself today, it was not the first time visiting this old memory. This is time for a healing that is deeper. Me, here, so young so focused on the perpetrator still carrying the load I could not carry. This is where you learned to give  that is all to give. not to get to listen to yourself not to choose, just be  used. This is why love is bringing up  this painful event to set free from those shackles on wrists. "Bring her into the light this space is no longer truth." Jesus, c an you show me what  the Fathers love looks like? Does he require? the veil seems to open and a new view of "Father" comes into view, A Father who is also Mother, warmth, tenderness, embracing, coming toward, to wrap arms around  embracing aloneness,  a balm to wounds... My heart begins to feel filling up longings untold. "Stay, stay a while, stay as long as you can" I check out, it can be too much even all I deeply long for. I return gently the heart begins to be touched...

  Things I love.... Finding Godde's hands holding all my pain -Their hands are the bottom & Sometimes I'm just not there Yet

I don't know who my audience is, or why you would be here to listen to me... Maybe it is just better than where you would be otherwise. 😏  I was given an image while back,  I was face to face with Jesus. Yep, I said "Jesus."  I am completely sure He lives with us  and that we don't make that happen. In like a whisper of an image, I feel more than see, Jesus sitting facing me.  Without words He is asking me for what I was holding. It was just then that I am holding something, behind my back and as I pull my hand in front of me I realize, its precious to me. After looking at it in my hand awhile It's beautiful colors It's perfect spherical shape I wondered why he, of all people, was asking me to part with it. And knowing what I had come to know was true about Him That he had proved to me countless times HE is trustworthy I eventually, I hand it to him. He held it out in his hand between us  for a long while  Then he was asking  without words again...

Finding Godde's hands underneath all my pain All I see is a black whole no end in sight Facing it seems absurd but continuing to hold on impossible My strength fails me my hands are bloodied and sore my soul exhausted from trying to protect myself  from the fear Alone, Hurt, Scared that is the bottom I know My very first knowing Don't I alone know all? Sometimes I am just not there yet at the bottom the true bottom where hands hold me in the dark Where there is Something so much bigger than I so much wiser than I  so much more capable  than I Isn't that what hope whispers to us? We just have already  looked  into all the places it isn't. Sometimes I have not yet taken the leap to face nothingness to risk finding Someone I cannot see Someone who I do not know well, yet.  We risk it all the time looking to something else to save us something that promises one thing but only half delivers or delivers  bondage It makes sense why don't we trust  unseen...

Holy can you please help? I am feeling bad again, after work, again. Help me to focus on listening to what you all say to me.  I tried to let it be quiet this afternoon at work so I could hear you.  So I could listen. Why does it hurt so bad? It's just work. just dumb stuff is that all I am worth to the world? No. Not by a long shot but it is what I chose I chose out of fear Out of tired Out of self-preservation. And I am forgiven too. You see, I didn't listen to myself back then back when I did something I considered 'more valuable' Oh, I listened, but just to the noisy part inside of me not the quiet parts They were relegated to the basement.  My inner critic ruled them with a rod of iron. Ofta, when I could finally hear her! I hurt all over, worse than today! and every day too. It's not that bad since I started letting them come to the surface. Listening to them too. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus I am lost in my thoughts again and don't know where to turn. Oh! I forgot...