What I really want to talk about

I love days like the last post, when I'm fighting back and in the game, etc. Today was not one of those days, and this is what I really want to share with people, so they too can experience it, because Holy Spirit is with them too. 

I got hit, I didn't quite 'get it' right when it happened, but my whole countenance changed for the whole day.  I was still me, but I was 'affected' and it was like I was moving slower, through mud.  I felt hit, I didn't know why. I didn't know what it made me think, how ridiculous of me to assume I could.  Instead, I went on to the 'next thing' in my day and just resisted; tried to ignore. That wins the fight, in some people's minds, but in fact, it really does not, it just puts it aside for later.

Now, I'm going to preface a little bit, because that's what I do. I do not know if you can have a relationship with God without dealing with past issues. I can't. He won't let me, well that is not entirely true, He will absolutely let me, but our intimacy  is affected, not on His side, but I don't know how to describe it. I believe because I'm hiding from him then. From everyone if at all possible and believe me, it's possible to hide even from those who live in the same house.  

So, back to today; I got triggered, I believe they call it.  Triggered is when something happens, something 'normal' and in the course of normal life, but it causes an over reaching response inside of me. Today it was a work project, I am currently in school, so an assignment. It could be anything, but it related to my Performance. Performance is a big issue, with many tendrils. So, I avoided it for as long as I could, keeping busy, doing what I could, and in response to that tactic, it got bigger... so as not to be ignored. The enemy is such a bastard. 

When I finally looked at it hours later, but in truth when I finally had the time too. It was like it was God's face to me, and it wasn't kind. I can't say what I thought He was saying, maybe because He wasn't really saying it. I told Him what this reaction, this trigger was making me react like. I told Him, the God of the Universe, the God who came to become just like me and free me from what no amount of performance can ever free me from. Him, I told: I didn't want to see Him, if He was like this, this feeling then I wanted nothing to do with Him. It seems so tied to Him. The unable to handle expectations to perform; the setting me up for failure. I did not like "this" God and it seemed like Him.

Later in the day he brought to mind  a song, again when it was quieter, when I was not in the middle of something. I received it, but it didn't reach very deep. That's okay, I was still questioning who He was in this thing. Many hours later instead of just hearing the song in my mind, someone played it. Then it hit. The song said, "I won't turn around, I won't head for the door. You're never alone, I will stay with you until the hurting is gone." (I paraphrase slightly) Do you know the verse that says, what can separate us from the love of God? and then it lists, like everything possible. Yeah, it was like that. 

In that I asked, I was asking even as I was rejecting in fact because that is the new me who Jesus has brought into being. Anyway, I saw what I thought was Him, giving me too much, like way too much; that was not my God.  That was the world, and they don't know nor care how I interpret what they require of me, but He does. So, in this thing that is too big for me, to much, to short of a deadline, too impossible; He'll be there, he'll stay with me until it is accomplished, for better or for worse; because He will never leave me. Because the impossible is not from Him.

'Moral of the story' as they say? My reaction wasn't to God, but it seemed like it. He took my rejection, if you can call it that. It was certainly rejecting that idea of Him, but since that idea was incorrect, did I really reject Him? Never, I couldn't, He has fused us, like two precious metals, we are one. I can't reject Him utterly and He won't me. He knows how to love because He has a perfect relationship with Jesus and Holy Spirit, so perfect that the only way to describe them is... One. So, He has enough to give.