Journey Out of Hiding

 "Face the light", he said "Don't hide, face the Light" "You know you are uncomfortable, Face the light and find out why." I stood there, this didn't even come on because I had picked it, it was just there. I get this thing, in my gut sometimes.  My brain tries this or that to use at the reason it is here. It isn't I stood there and said yes, I know something is there, going on. But I don't know what it is. I forgot, or am just learning, that some of what we know is not in words yet. So I faced, I do know enough at least that the Light is safe and FOR me, not against me. Though exposure isn't guaranteed to not be painful. I faced it, no words.  Have you ever had no words  If anything, it is at least rare. Then some come, in a whisper they come not enough This is more than my brain trying to fill a void, these come from inside me somewhere deep It's a mantra that is on repeat 8 hours a day, this was hour 7. All I know is that I feel ...

  You Matter A dream Rather a nightmare The dream set in the times of castles Peasants, small houses with thatched roofs and Open air markets  I am in tattered clothing One layer, a sackcloth dress Unkempt hair long that the face can hide under The face is downcast intentionally trying  Not to be noticed If I looked as plain and undesirable as possible If I do not make eye contact  If I do not speak Maybe… I will be safe This is what hiding looks like Then I see him of whom I seem to have escaped Waltz in through the city gate Tall, cloaked beings at his sides  his stride is proud Arrogant his eyes searching… for his possession he doesn’t like it when one gets away he is searching for his captive his possession The one he used as he pleased And he is pleased simply to torture My eyes, while seeming to be looking  At the market stalls As if I could purchase the goods there Were much more watching what was around me My defense, To see him Before he could see ...

I realized today that I didn't  have one. Now, being  forced, as it were to find  mine. I find ouch! I don't always like it. It makes  or allows people to think of  me as a THAT... That  thing, that  person, that  isn't a giver or kind or loving. but No. is also loving. When I learn to say No properly, lovingly, within my own  limits. I find also  my  Yes. Giving can  happen out of a  pure heart. Vs. obligation,  that hides truth and  does not know  how  to  love.  If your No does not matter your Yes never will. ~Paul Young

 I am not done Not "there yet" But Not where I was either. When I began  there were horrendous days. PTSD days... when all that I had stuffed and not allowed myself to feel not allowed to have it's voice, came tumbling out all about me.   Like a dark and terrible storm blinding my view to the beautiful children, family, existence, that was  there as well. And those days too Joy? or maybe  just  Love, quietly made  her appearance. It could seem so loud there in the dark. In complete blackness a lit match changes  everything.   Those days, there was  also salvation. These could feel like hell, but the saving came as well. showed up, you might say.  So, though I have felt  at  a  loss...  because the Journey still is in process. I rejoice  Finding the  Journey is the  Point. 

So, I have been doing this journey thing for awhile now. and I am not done. and that is finally, well, today at least, okay. Not only okay, it  is  Joy. Because Joy shows up unannounced as the  Journey  of stress and hell and just struggle continues. Beautiful Joy, will  never stop  showing up, knocking  at your door  too. 

 The Journey is  the reward. The Journey is making it one day at a time one  obstacle at  a  time. One JOY at a time in the mist.

 I thought it was a destination,  it isn't.  I had unknowingly expected there would just be this day ,  that I wouldn't be afraid anymore...  just to be seen. Well, there has been a day... and then another and  another. All betwixt a lot of days  that I still  was. 

A little girls fear, no matter how irrational, matters to God.  I love telling stories, and this a favorite of mine in my storehouse of a life lived with the God who makes their beautiful Presence known here on earth. Even when it seems like a popping in and out, and a here and there, through a life. They do so, the three who are so close they can only be called One, with deep respect for us and submitted to our limitations.    I was in the third grade and my first holy communion was coming up, and boy was I scared!  It was a high grade nervousness of having to interact with the Catholic priest and call him Father during a couple of the practices. Authority figures just set me shaking in my boots in those days and truly for many years afterwards as well.  Well, here I was going about my life with this worry hanging over my head and busying my mind. Then out of thin air I my attention is drawn to my pretty new and pretty unused little children's Bible that had be...

I didn't do it alone  experienced others I was driven by... hope and exposure I couldn't quiet myself anymore So, I asked for help And received it when it came. They said we should pray O...k...ay.... Wondering what that meant We just asked Jesus ...not hard I saw a very dark place in fact, total darkness blackness and I felt alone and frightened  the unknown can twist into terror I turned (I had never before) and told Jesus I would only go if  He could make me know He was with me an image came to mind my taking His offered hand and then me turning again heading into the dark I had not been known as a  courageous person so I wasn't "Trying to be brave Is to be brave" George MacDonald I went in, still the feeling  of being alone When we go there there was just a  record  player the needle on the  record and it was stuck playing over and over again  the same  song "Be afraid Be VERY afraid" Of what?   All fear vanished like the puff o...

Is it real? After I heard you are like a master craftsman in a gentle grandfather submitting to your young  who beg to be let weave with you just work with you. Jus to be with you Is it true that you don't say No, that You don't protect the work at the sake of the child, for the sake of the relationship like I have so many times That you allow the mistakes That you aren't afraid of them? Is this real? It is an honest question Do you weave all of our mistakes into a beautiful masterpiece?  An exposure: We've had so many lies what could I have I been without them? What if I  wasn't the mistake all along. What if I hadn't been handed down a belief from so many sides that I wasn't enough for this or that Until  I didn't even try anymore I ran from it,  I hid, I numbed, again. But you returned and invited me to open up again to when though I'd screwed up, again Another mistaken thread a wrong color, a wrong pattern followed When I faced it Oh! It became o...

What to do at this time of day, when I usually do…,  not the healthiest behavior;  one I'd like to grow away from.  This time, I asked for help. First a pause, nothing to do yet.  That's okay.   Then a whisper,  like one I haven't heard in a long time. It was something like,  " I could tell you, what I think about you ." I heard somewhere that what we long for is fame,  to be famous to our Father,  our Godde  To hear our Father say He is proud of us,  Just for being We long to be home and we rarely feel that we are.  So I sat down, a cat coming to sit in my lap, arose such a longing within me.  a cat's simple attention  stirred in me a hunger for something so much more.  I just stroked the soft fur... then I heard it... a compliment.  Have you ever heard the Holy Spirit's conviction... of your goodness?  I listened to the feeling that began to stir From the inside of me I began to weep saying, Okay, I k...